I’m Tired

Yes, yes. I’ve spent most of this fine sunny Sunday…day watching things, moving images with sound more specifically. I just love being me. When I’m tired my whole brain wants to shut down.

I’ve spent these last few hours signing up to two MMORPG sites just because I’m including something about them in my novel. I probably won’t actually play them because I’m already neglecting people and knowing me I will eventually (give or take two hours) get over them. I do like it how my serious research includes playing video games though.

It’s taken me about a week to get back into story writing mode so if I don’t write the chapter I plan on writing tomorrow I will hurt people. I think I’ll do ok as long as I keep thinking about it. I have changed this chapter so many freaking times and I hope I keep this one. It’s more of a prologue though.

My novel is cool. I’m sure many people will like it. It involves virtual worlds, social networking, lots of stuff about medical conditions, astronomy, a bit of physics, the Australian music scene, stuff that Primeval and Doctor Who fans should like, something in there for the artists (not photography), the US air force and secret military related stuff and even something for those against Big Phama. Word of warning: I’m taking the mickey out of everything in my own subtle cheeky way.

Oh, and to keep the author interested in actually writing it it’s full of a lot of action and that technamalogical language that keeps my attention span.

Hmm, one hour to feed cats. Ok I go sleep now.

Some comments would be nice.

Tales From the North pt2

It’s kind of hard to write a positive post like I promised, especially since everything bad that could have happened did happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I still had fun but some things happened that ruined what little fun I did have.

I know from experience that I can’t tolerate socialising for very long. Anything longer than a day and I’m going to become exhausted, bored and angry. It bothers me that I need medication to counter this.

Normally I don’t medicate on the weekends because when I do I can run into problems. I literally burn my brain out. So on Sunday I experienced that. I even fell asleep while watching a movie.

So, anyways on Saturday I went to see The Vines at The Metro in Sydney. I was expecting some sensory overload, what I didn’t expect was that George St would be converted to a freaking warzone because that’s exactly what it sounded like.

I even experienced sensory overload in the pub we went to before the gig – which hasn’t ever happened before. 5 Seeds cider was a bad choice too because I had to go to the toilets after thinking I’d throw up or worse.

I was particularly cranky for the  most part of the night. I decided maybe I shouldn’t medicate when it wore off because I felt hyper and thought it would help me enjoy the show more. What I forgot about was how pissed off I got with people when I didn’t medicate at gigs.

Then when the doucheist bags that were ever to exist tried to push in front I thought ‘yeah o’righ I’m a veteran hardcore gig goer – I’ll take them on.’ I also wanted to protect the kids against the barrier in front of me. I even objected when my friend wanted to get me to push in front. I think I said, ‘punter ettiquite; first in first served. These kids have been waiting there from the very start and have earned that posisition. I’ve been there many times before.’ I was also drunk.

To take the strain off the kids at the front I pushed violently into the people behind. The moshpit had turned into a battlezone and I wasn’t taking any prisoners. I even started a moshpit with inflicting pain as my only motivator. It was good for my pre- meltdown state too. My meltdown consisted of threatening to kill people. I was seriously over The Vines.

But I did enjoy The Vines. In my last post I said I was so medicated that I didn’t feel anything from You Am I – well I did with The Vines In my non-medicated state. The Vines play the type of music that instantly triggers a synesthaesic reaction (a sense triggered from experiencing another sense) which has led me to believe Craig could be a fellow Synth, especially when it comes to songs like Autumn Shade. I actually felt that emotional connection that was lacking at You Am I but what happed next made You Am I’s gig feel like I was backing singing songs in church (I have had sensory overload in church so maybe that’s not the best analogy).

I actually did like being back in a sweaty crowd and dancing and singing along to rock music. I only do it for very few bands. Then the strobe lights started. I’ll give you a little bit of background here: flashing lights give me seizures. Even playing a videogame or watching flashing or fast moving lines on a TV screen can trigger them. And I felt it. I felt the beginning stages of a clinic tonic because I’m one of those special people that consciously experience the whole damn thing happening. Symptoms turned into panic, panic turned into hyperventilating. Then I got instantly sleepy which isn’t advisable in a particularly rowdy moshpit. I also had a rapid heart beat after being two years on Ritalin. I don’t even exercise on the stuff anymore. If I was medicated it could have been so much worse.

So I just waited for the band to stop playing. I didn’t even care when Craig came down to touch hands with the crowd like I did before – ‘well, that’s physical contact, isn’t it?’

And when the show ended I couldn’t stop yelling and threatening and kicking empty cups all over the ground. It was probably the only meltdown characteristic of autism my friends have ever seen. It’s kind of funny because similar behaviour got Craig diagnosed but I’m diagnosed and I just keep getting worse. Did I say funny? I meant frustrating.

And now people are going to think I’m giving up because I don’t want to go through the same thing in just a couple of days. I’m struggling to keep a routine which helps me function and not feel like I’m losing control. I’m not even going to try to work on my novel because my head is such a mess. I can barely make food for myself but I am scraping by. I feel physically sick like I’m still hungover but I can’t be. I’m alone which is good for my sanity but once I run out of food I’m not sure if I will go out and buy more. In autism we call this a shutdown brought on from stressful events.

I’m still feeling ill. I don’t care about making this a positive post. It’s a truthful one.

Tales from the North Pt 1

Going out to gigs and staying with a friend for a couple of days shouldn’t feel like such a big deal but it is to me. I won’t go into it but I know how hard it is to build social skills and have to go through it all over again once you lose them. And it wasn’t just my social skills that suffered and had to be built up again from scratch.

Going to a gig, It’s all great fun right? Not for someone with noise and light sensitivity that keeps getting worse each day. Not many people understand what I mean by that or what it can lead to. Not even my damn doctor’s know.

But this is not a Platform 25 post though it is important I release these thoughts.

So last night I went to see You Am I at this venue called Harbord Diggers. All up it probably took me 3 or 4 hours to get to. Thank god I wasn’t driving because I could just turn off in my unmedicated state. I don’t know what the hell I’ll be like when it starts to wear off. Usually I’m cranky, light headed and may start hallucinating or at least have visual disturbances. But seriously hallucinating isn’t new to me nor does it scare me. It’s just a reminder of how much I’ve messed this brain of mine up, without the aide of illegal drugs I might add.

Anyway, back to the show. One thing I noticed was that I didn’t feel uncomfortable even though I was in a completely new environment and I don’t take change well. If you decide to come over while I’m in writing mode and ask me to go out, well I might just violently remove you from my house. That’s because each day I’ve got a plan, a routine and if I have to stop it and try so damn hard to adjust to change I’m usually going to feel uncomfortable and usually that’s in the form of anger or panic.

Once again, back to the gig. I made sure to take my medication and eat a proper meal and have a few drinks so I could maybe enjoy myself more.

I was there with friends so that was good and my sensory issues didn’t bother me. I got into a discussion with a realtively new friend about photography, something I had put on hold due to my severe sensitivity to flashing lights.

When You Am I finally went on I had a few beers inside me and I could feel my medication wearing off. I was faced with the dilemma of deciding whether to take another dose or just see what happens. When I took my last dose at Jebediah things didn’t turn out so well and it took me hours to get to sleep and I usually have that problem when my meds wear off at 4pm. So, I took the dose, dry, eugh. My friend did give some gum to chew.

What happened was the zombie effect because you need some real mental stimulation to kick the pills off. I was far too focused on the band visually that I tuned out on the music but I tried to alternate my focus between the two. But I didn’t exeperience the usual emotions I usually do when I see a band live. So, I tried to see what taking out my ear plugs would do – instant sensory overload accompanied by facial tics which develops into tremors which develops into – you don’t want to know and I don’t want to have to risk it ever happening again.

So in went the plugs and I sort of calmed down, however I did paw the floor speaker like I usually do and it was hard to control. That’s called stimming. I also may have slightly hallucinated a type of jungle scene on stage and tried to suppress my music – colour synesthaesia.

The important thing was I didn’t have a meltdown, or sensory overload, a complete mental and motor shutdown or a seizure. If you want to understand those things more then hit up Google or wrongplanet.net or even Platform 25.

So the night wasn’t perfect, I didn’t feel the band despite my friends saying it was the best performance they’ve seen in along time. I was just too drugged up to get anything out of it but I’m either going to be the drugged up zombie so focused I can barely move or somebody that has such sensivity to sound and lights that I will convulse.

As much as it sounds like I didn’t enjoy myself I did, especially compared to the last time. I’ve been going through some really serious shit that I have had to keep to myself because people didn’t want to believe it all. But now I’ve recovered and I’ve been put into the type of situation where I’ve got no choice but gain more independence.

I always feel like I’m trying too hard to fit in at You Am I’s gigs, like I don’t belong there. And I’ve been a fan for how long now? I felt the same at Jebediah, like I didn’t belong there.

If you read my last post at Platform 25 you can probably see that just three days ago I was going through some shit and things last night could have been much worse. They really were not. I just get into these really intense moods that make things sound worse than they were. I’m always viewing each day of my life as a challenge, as another psychological experiment.

I’m ok now. I just need some alone time to clear my head. Not only am I autistic but extremely introverted and while I love to get the chance to be with friends I know when I need a break.

Tomorrow night I’m seeing The Vines which I’m hoping will go down better because at least Craig understands what sensory sensivity is about and needing time away from people. Craig Nicholls is the only peron I’ve met with Asperger’s and we’re both the artistic type (though I am a massive physics and sci-fi nerd) and we can hide our differences in the music scene so we weren’t diagnosed until later in our early adult life. I’m really hoping the gig goes well because I need to have some confidence about seeing Anberlin next week. At least at their gigs I can go nuts and not feel embarrassed by my behaviour because I blend in well with their fans. At least, I used to.

Hopefully part 2 won’t be as intense.
I kind of wanted this blog to be more light hearted.

Super secret spy nickname

Last night as my hyperness was returning to me and though I tried to focus on the TV I just couldn’t. Instead I grabbed paper and pencil and began to think up my possible super secret spy name – as you do.

To do this usually I write my name out on the paper, choose the first two letters of my surname and the last two letters of my first name. It turned out to be Roti. While I usually have no qualms with being a heavy set gruff looking KGB operative I decided to use another method. I tried to use my middle name as well and came up with many names, my favourite one being Ta’nish I’dev Ory which makes me sound like some sort of Jaffa warrior. Then I started making real words and names from my full name such as Nash, Rove, and Dash. Then I thought if I ever wanted a nickname Dash would be perfect because I’m always on the go, not just physically but mentally too.

But seriously if I were to choose a super secret spy nickname it would be Dash-27. If I got on a most wanted list I’m certain they couldn’t trace that name back to me. Unless they read this blog. Ha. Like those damn commies could read.